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Zinedine Zidane Riding a Vespa Scooter Through Hammerfell [Guest Blog]

Zinedine Zidane Riding a Vespa Scooter Through Hammerfell [Guest Blog]

  06:37:21 pm, by Cactus   , 831 words  
Viewed 24564 times since 19/04/10
Categories: Welcome

Today's guest blog is by none other than long-time blog correspondent, r  . And an update, believe it or not, I've got my own blog planned to write. Crazy, right? I got the idea after reading the previous guest blog I posted and some of the comments about how people view Morrowind having played Oblivion first, and I think I have a unique take on that idea.
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The title of this blog is what you could consider an unlikely scenario in the Elder Scrolls universe. There are many others - Martin Septim raising from the grave and professing a fondness for cannibalism. A congestion charge being introduced in the Imperial City Market. Raminus Polus running into the Bravil branch of the Fighters' Guild in nothing but a pink bra and shouting "Celery!". The Ministry of Truth falling to the ground and wiping out Vvardenfell in a cataclysmic explosion. The Argonians invading Morrowind. Sadly, I'm not making the last two up. Greg Keyes made them up. Now, in my fanfictions I've had some pretty crazy scenarios - civilisation dying out on Vvardenfell after the rise and fall of the Sixth House, a plot by several Daedra Lords to destroy Nirn completely and something involving the Dwarves and a parallel universe that I haven't finished writing yet. But I make a point of coming up with scenarios that could realistically happen.

If you want to read that Elder Scrolls book that's come out I suggest you stop reading this now, because the rest of the article will be a mixture of spoilers and very bad reviews. This is indeed the backstory to The Infernal City, a story about a floating island whose shadow causes the dead to rise from their graves. As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, the backstory is simply not canon to everything that has happened so far in Tamriel's history. And since this is an official Bethesda publication, this nonsense is what's officially going to happen in Tamriel in the next few years. Firstly, there's a new Emperor with a stupid name like Sillius Soddus or Biggus Dickus or something like that. How exactly did he come to power? Emperors are supposed to come from a dynasty that has united the people and created the empire that they rule over. Chancellor Ocato can't just walk up to the nearest slightly regal-looking bloke and say "You'll do". And you thought Gordon Brown had an easy rise to power.

Then we have the business of the Ministry of Truth, freed from the grasp of Vivec, falling from the heavens (which if you go to where it is now, works out as a distance of about 50 feet) causing an impact so large that it makes a royal mess of Vvardenfell and most of mainland Morrowind. Now - there are two scenarios that could have happened here, according to my limited knowledge of physics. First, when the golden floating one froze the meteorite it lost all of its momentum. This means that if it then resumed its fall it would be falling a short distance from a position of rest, and would therefore make a mess of the Temple and that's about it. Second, Vivec stopped the meteorite in such a way that it retained its momentum, and would hurtle into the city at about the same speed as the lunatic in the Ford Transit who nearly ran me off the road yesterday. This would indeed cause a sizeable crater, which would probably make a good mess of Vvardenfell, bearing in mind that most of their population are located in and around Vivec. But it would of course kick up an enormous cloud of dust, water vapour and crumbled masonry which would block out the sun for a few weeks and probably kill everyone else too. At least this would give Umbriel plenty of dead people to resurrect, I suppose.

The last bit of lunacy is the Argonians deciding to break out the pointy sticks and conquer Morrowind. I'm sure that they are a bit bitter towards the Dark Elves for the aeons of slavery they've had to put up with, but could a race of primitive tribal reptilians who are used to fighting a guerrilla war in swamps realistically take on a race of adept and adaptable warriors who would probably run them through straight away with vastly superior weapons? As I said on the forum, this is a bit like a load of remote African tribes getting a bit hot-headed about the slave trade and deciding to take on the USA. I'm surprised that this book was allowed by Bethesda to be published. I imagine that if Jane Austen had followed the line "The Harrington-Smythes retired to the drawing room for a glass of brandy" with "Then a bunch of killer martians invaded with zap-guns" her publisher would not have been particularly impressed.

And to add insult to injury I've read the first few chapters of the book and they're rubbish.

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4 comments

Comment from: sa9097 [Visitor]
sa9097

We’ve back and forth through this several times on the official forums - the Ministry of Truth thing, among other plot points, was quite thoroughly foreshadowed in the 36 Lessons of Vivec; 33 in particular is a good read if the landfall seems outrageous. And just a quick reminder, game scale, =/= lore scale (lanscape scales being roughly 1/7.800 times smaller by my calculation, based off a number of given distances in the in-game texts and PGE)

19/04/10 @ 08:24 pm
Comment from: [Member]
rpeh

I’m afraid this post is astonishing for its poor research.

sa9097 has already made the point about the Ministry of Truth, but it’s also worth mentioning that Titus Mede became the new emperor by right of conquest (p109), not by Ocato picking somebody.

Lastly, why can’t the Argonians take over Morrowind? There has already been at least one successful slave revolt in TES history (Alessia rebelled against the Ayleids) and we’ve had parallels in our own world (Haiti, for instance).

If you’re going to criticise something, you should really do a better job of investigating the facts.

25/04/10 @ 05:50 am
Comment from: [Member]
tom10320

I thought the whole point was that when Vivec stopped the Ministry of Truth it didn’t stop the momentum, thus when it crashed, it crashed like a mother. Plus, it might have set Red Mountain off in the process. I’m not saying I agree with the story, I just think it could happen.

And yeah, the Argonian thing sucks, but hey, at least they’re using sticks.

25/04/10 @ 07:22 am
Comment from: jakeuh1212 [Visitor]
jakeuh1212

i consider what your saying about the invasion of morrowind an opinion. Argonions have different types varrying from quick and agile argonians too 8 foot tall argonians,not all argonians are small statured theives,so yeah maybe dunmer have better equiptment but with the argonians wide range of breeds and warfare tacticts im pretty sure that them running in and kicking the dunmers ass while they are distracted with their precious vivec being layed to waste would make sense.

20/01/11 @ 07:57 pm


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